It's friday night and i'm alone in my house. with my laptop n tv's palying a soap opera. awesome! is this my life going to be? oh well... sigh...

life is a waiting game

If there’s any lesson that I learn for 25 years of my living time, that would be “LIFE IS A WAITING GAME”. You know, the game where you standing still in a corner competing against your friend on who have the most patience on holding the desire up on something. Or in this case u are competing against yourself for that matter. You’re waiting on something n you just so caught up in the game that paralyzed your whole life. As if you left the place, that corner, you would end up as a looser. But in fact, by not leaving at all, you are the looser, because u missed out so many opportunities that spans rite there in front of you. You were so blinded out by the game n you wouldn’t see the other way. I’m still playing that game now. I’m still trying so hard to leave that game. Searching the other way, hopping for the best to come over n wishing that if there’s any luck, I will eventually get what I want. N then I realize, damned, I am still a 5 years old girl who played in the corner. And as the way I see it I need to grow up. N grow up means moving on and start to believe in myself. Which I’m still trying to figure out how….

big bad wolf

obviously i'm the bad guy here! So, no matter what i say r what i do the outcome is gonna be one n one only. I'm always gonna be the bad guy. So let's just move on heading toward each other directions.

crash n burn...

i'm not even angry now. i'm just numb. i don't know what i feel r how am i supposed to feel. a perfect numbness. i'm not grown up woman yet. i certainly realize that. but i do know how it feels to be hurt, to get hurt n sorry if i can't shut my mouth up. but i've just realized it that i've been carrying this baggage for a very long time. funny that i pushed it aside for such a long period of time.  n i guess one of my mistake is that i never told this to anyone. n now, i said it out loud. i'm sorry if it hurts certain person r make someone uncomfortable. but that just the honest, blunt truth that i can give you. if you can't handle it, then maybe you don't have to n no need to try. i'm done asking people to understand me, since i don't even understand them either. maybe this is why the closest relationship that i could have is with my laptop n my tv! gehehehe... so yeah, so be it. i have no expectation r whatsoever rite now. let me heal my wound n let me continue my life.

the beginning of an end

i think this is the beginning of an end for our friendships. I hate to say this, but i've seen the signs long time ago. I've always been an outsider among u. I guess i kinda ignore it. I deny it just because we've known each other for 8 years. But times doesn't exactly guarantee how well u know people. I guess it's not. You don't need me that much obviously. So i guess it's a good bye.

ignorance is a bliss!

well i guess ignorance is a bliss 4 them. N why the hell i'm always the one who says sorry first?! Shit! U are the one who hurt my feeling and no single word came out from ur mouth! Damned! Don't call this friendship then!

i'm screaming at you loudly!

finally the hell broke loose! sorry if i pissed you off girls, but i just hate the way you girls treated me for the last couple of years. i felt like u never take me seriously. just because my family n my life seems perfect, it doesn't mean that i have no problems in my life! i do have problems, but everytime i want to share it with you, you make me feel that my problems is so not important, that somehow your problem is just way bigger than mine. yeah i get it, i know. i do admit it, you guys have problems, but can i have my own too? can i have my best friends to share my fear n my burden. i guess not for me, because again, everything is just perfect in my life according to you. but let me tell you guys, all this perfection is came out nothing! it's an illusion. all these belongs to may parents. my job that seems perfect for you guys is eating my brain n my life bit by bit. i failed to accomplished every single dream that i have. i have this fear that my life will end up as nothing n flat. do you know that? do you know that my perfect job cost me 8 million for something that i didn't even do n still i have to pay that debt until now! do you know that mu perfect job is perfectly alienated me from you guys?! i guess it's all just too late...
i'm broken now...

requiem for a dream....

stop wishing.... u won't get there yet... focus on what happen rite in front of you. maybe it's not the time yet r maybe you just have to quit pursuing it. life is not always happen as we hope for. let it go. it's difficult but you have to... RIP...

re-evaluate...

i've been living for 25 years now. and so far, i haven't accomplished anything on my bucket list. i feel like i'm wasting my time because of some decision that i made in the past. i know it's just useless crying over a spilt milk. so i need to re-evaluate my life... my decision that i've made. my choices that i took and all my plan that i've made. it's time to sort out all the stuffs, the waste and the erky perky things in my life. i have to make some sort of priority to set things up right. and i hope i can make my life better n move forward from it. somehow, though, i feel so damned afraid to face the truth that maybe i make loads of mistakes along the way. that i have failed to recognize some opportunities that passed my way. that i'm not as perfect as i used to think who i am. but the, who's perfect? perfection is so limited and so subjective. what is perfect anyway? what is perfect for me? get a master degree from prominent university abroad? get a better job than i have rite now? or simply just feel happy again. Gosh, i forget the last time i feel genuinely happy! Just Happy without any certain reason. Just simply happy. i miss that. what happened to me? maybe i need to be thankful for what i've got n what i have rite now. but i do feel thankful. i'm blessed with loving family, loads of best friends, a good paycheck (though not really a good job). but still i feel something is not right with me. or is it just my head? my nerve? my un-realistic mind?

first timer....

ahoiiii....
oh well, yeah i know, i'm way toooo late to start a blog rite now...
the hype is no longer that high but what can i say, i'm a late beginner, if there's any such term to begin with...
anyway, my friends keep telling me to start my own blog n start to write something about anything that happends inside my head. but believe me there's not much happening inside my head rite now... i'm not james cameron... so yeah, in a way to polish my writing skill that's starting to fall apart alas i begin this blog!
so, on my mark get set go!